


Rules for Dating Harry Dresden

by akelios



Category: Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Humour, Kinkmeme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-27
Updated: 2011-04-27
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:39:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akelios/pseuds/akelios
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you want to date my apprentice, you have to go through me first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules for Dating Harry Dresden

**Author's Note:**

> Liberally and obviously based on the 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.

_Rule One: You do not pick my apprentice up in a dark sedan while he's walking. Not even if he's willing to go with you._

The car pulled to a stop a few feet ahead of us, letting me and Hoss walk up to them. I didn't miss the extra little spring in his step, or the half grin that he quickly suppressed. So it didn't surprise me when that 'Baron' Marcone fella opened the door and swung his legs out. Didn't even bother to get all the way out of the car. Lazy. Disrespectful. I humphed and slid between Harry and the car, herding him off to the other side.

"Hey! Ebenezar, what-"

"Keep walking, Hoss."

"Harry?" I'll give the man this - he didn't sound bothered or confused at all. "I just thought perhaps you and your companion might like a ride."

"No." I barely turned my head to grunt it out at him as I took hold of Harry's arm, moving him along.

"I- ah...I guess not." Harry called back to Marcone, his voice a mixture of confusion and amusement. Marcone made a speculative noise and slid back into his car. I kept Harry walking fast all the way to Mac's.

_Rule Two: You do not touch my apprentice in front of me. You may glance at him, so long as it is in a quick, professional manner. There will be no deep, meaningful gazes. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my apprentice's body, I will remove them._

"Ow!" Harry pulled back from the 'Baron', the both of them shaking out their hands and frowning. I hid my grin behind the cup of water and just glared at Marcone. The spell was only good for a couple of zaps and they'd already worked their way through those. Dammit.

I got myself up and walked over to the pair of them. Harry was leaning into Marcone just a bit, that goofy grin he's got trying to force it's way onto his face. I knew the signs. I reached them just as Marcone put his hand on Harry's shoulder, squeezing. The end of my staff caught Marcone in the back of the knee. He didn't go down, mores the pity, but it did make him get his hands off of Harry. I bared my teeth at him and he returned the sentiment. Good. We understood each other, then.

_Rule Three: I am aware that you have an image to maintain and a business to run. Run it elsewhere. Far, far away from my apprentice._

Harry slammed through the apartment, throwing things over his shoulders left and right. I sat on one of the arm chairs and kept an eye on that Marcone boy.

"Can I-" He cut off, taking a shallower breath as the movement caused his cracked ribs to shift. "-help you?"

"I don't suppose you did all this." I gestured to the blood and bruises all over him. "By tripping on the golf course."

"Hardly."

"Then how?"

"Someone took exception to some of my policies in regards to the distribution of certain forms of entertainment in the city. They expressed their irritation in a rather violent and haphazard manner."

"Mmm. And Harry pulled your ass out of the fire and brought you here."

"Indeed." I growled at him, just a little. Harry's dog raised his head, looked at the both of us and got up, wandering off to find Harry.

"You shouldn't be getting him involved in your problems. He's got enough enemies without adding yours too."

"I-" He closed his mouth, shook his head. "Harry's a big boy, Wizard McCoy. He chooses to stand beside me or not."

"Harry doesn't-"

"Found it!" Harry strode back into the room, a first aid kit the size of a small steamer trunk in his hands. Marcone and I looked away from one another. It'd have to wait.

_Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you._

"No." I poked Marcone in the stomach with my staff, edging him back from the doorway.

"Mr. McCoy...Ebenezar...I have a date with Harry." He gave me an unfriendly look. "You're supposed to be at a meeting with the local magical have nots, are you not?"

"Canceled it. Harry's not available tonight. Bye now." I pushed him once more and his feet barely cleared the wards before I kicked them back up. Then I shut the door in his face. When the phone started to ring a minute later, I unplugged it.

_Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk. We will not be doing this. The only information I require from you is an exact time for when you expect to have my apprentice safely back to me. And that time should be 'five minutes from now'._

"Have you seen the-"

"No." Marcone sighed and I could see him casting about for another conversational gambit.

"Was there a good crop this past season?"

I turned to face him fully.

"Look, boy. You don't care about my crops and I don't give a flying monkey's ass about anything that you do. The only thing I need to know is that you know that if anything happens to him I will kill you in so many ways they'll be talking about it a thousand years from now. And you will have him back here by ten, or I'm going to assume you've done something I won't like and start hunting you. Clear?"

"Crystal."

_Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my apprentice. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my apprentice, you will continue to date no one but him until he is finished with you. If you piss him off, after he's done flambeing you, I'll kick your ass._

"Who's your friend?" I watched the woman walk away. She was pretty, in a sociopathic kind of way. Nothing behind the eyes, you know. Marcone looked at me out of the corner of his eyes and then his mouth pinched down.

"An employee."

"Nothin' else?"

"Of course not. I am not suicidal, Mr. McCoy."

_Rule Seven: As you stand in the hallway, waiting for my apprentice to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time, you should not be dating. My apprentice is doing something. It is certain to be very important. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?_

"Where's Marcone?"

"You needed some peace and quiet to finish up that potion."

"Yeah...but where's Marcone?"

"Outside, tuning up my truck." I glanced at my pocket watch. "He should be done in another ten minutes."

_Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my apprentice: Places where there is anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where you might be alone. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or alcohol. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my apprentice to remove his leather duster._

"Where're the two of you going again?"

"Ice skating rink." I thought on it for a second. It was cold...cold enough to negate the whole romantic, hand holding vibe? Probably. And it was sure to be crowded this close to Valentine's. I grunted my approval at Marcone.

Harry didn't tell me until two days later that Marcone had rented out the entire place, just for them.

_Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my apprentice, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and an actual license to kill. Do not trifle with me._

I took the traditional route and blew the doors off of Marcone's office. He looked up, saw it was me and gave that hulking behemoth of his a signal. The man subsided, slightly.

"And to what do I owe this great honor?"

"I don't like being lied to, Marcone. Not ever, and especially not when it comes to Harry."

"I don't understand. I have never lied to you about my relationship or intentions in regards to Harry."

"Then what're you doing building a magical prison?" I slapped down copies of the manifests and work orders I'd dug up. "Big and comfy, right? Perfect for Harry if he decides he doesn't want to play anymore?"

Marcone met my eyes for a second and then laughed. I pushed enough power through my arm that when I slapped my hand down on the desk it cracked with a sharp snap, the two halves of the desk sliding and settling against one another at a new angle.

"Ah. Forgive me. But...yes. I am constructing a holding cell. But I will swear to you, by any oath you like, that it is not being constructed to entrap Harry. I have many enemies, and I'd like to have the option of holding suspect people on occasion rather than shooting them in the head all the time. Effective, yes. But not always necessary."

_Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid._

I met Marcone's eyes over the quickly dissolving body of the demon and the corpses of the Red's I'd just killed. He didn't look away.

Cold, unyielding certainty pressed against my mind. Marcone knew what he did was right, was necessary and he would do anything necessary to protect Chicago. To protect what was his. Honorable in his own way, but more dangerous for it. An earth shaking roar, the sound of a big cat rolled against my skin, my mind and the Soulgaze ended.

When the real world faded back into view, Marcone was staring at me, a faint sheen of sweat popping out along his forehead, his skin pale. Those were the only signs of anything other than cool, calm collection. Most people wouldn't have noticed at all. I grinned and leaned on my staff.

"Now I think we finally understand one another."


End file.
